Influence with Integrity
Leading Without Manipulating
In 1962, Nelson Mandela was arrested for fighting against the racist system of apartheid in South Africa.
At the time, Black people were treated as second-class citizens in their own land. They were denied basic rights, dignity, and freedom.
Mandela had tried peaceful protests and talks, but the government wasn’t listening. So he joined the resistance in a more active way, and for that, they locked him up.
He spent 27 years in prison. 27 whole years! That is almost three decades of his life, gone.
He missed his children growing up. He watched the world move on without him. His name was banned from newspapers. His face was hidden from the public.
When the government finally released him in 1990, the whole world watched. People expected rage. After all that was done to him, they thought he would come out ready to fight, revenge, or punish.
But Mandela didn’t do that. Rather, he stepped out with a calm smile.
He did not call for blood or stir up anger. He did not try to exploit the pain of his people to settle personal scores.
Instead, he began to speak of peace, of unity, of building a country where both black and white could live together.
And that, for me, is one of the clearest pictures of influence with integrity.
This was a man who had every excuse to manipulate the rage and despair of millions for his own gain. He could have played on their fear, their anger, their hunger for payback. And honestly, the crowd would have followed him anywhere just because!
He had the influence to stir up war. But he didn’t. He chose the harder road and led with heart, conscience, and values. That is why his influence is still respected decades later.
While Mandela used his influence to heal, history also shows us what happens when influence is twisted into manipulation.
After the First World War, Germany was down. Money had no value, jobs were scarce, and the people felt humiliated. The people longed for hope, for pride, for someone to tell them that things could be better. Adolf Hitler saw that longing, and he used it.
(Side note: Be careful how you express your longing. It can be preyed on.)
Moving on,
Hitler played on hope. He promised jobs, dignity, and that Germany would be great again. And then he wrapped those promises in big rallies, flags, uniforms, and songs. It felt like belonging… like pride. It felt like healing for a wounded people.
But underneath the whole show, he was planting poison. He told Germans that their problems were caused by ‘others’.
He said Jews were traitors, cheats, and the reason for Germany’s suffering. He called Roma, disabled people, political opponents, and many others ‘unworthy of life’. He called them enemies of progress. Again and again, he repeated the story until ordinary Germans believed it.
Slowly, the laws changed.
In 1933, Jewish shops were boycotted. People no longer bought from them. By 1935, the Nuremberg Laws stripped Jews of citizenship and basic rights.
By 1938, Jewish homes and synagogues were smashed on a night that came to be called Kristallnacht(the night of broken glass). Jewish men dragged into the streets and beaten.
This is what makes manipulation so dangerous. It doesn’t always look cruel at first. Sometimes it looks like inspiration. Sometimes it looks like hope. But the intent behind it is control, and the fruit it bears is destruction.
Mandela and Hitler both stood before wounded nations. Both had the ear of the people. But one used his influence to stitch a broken land back together, while the other used his influence to rip his land apart.
The difference was not in their ability to move people, but in their intention and in what they chose to do with the power they held.
How then does this relate to you as an individual?
It is easy to look at people like Mandela and Hitler and think, ‘Well, I am not leading a country, so this doesn’t really concern me’. But that is not true.
You might not be holding a microphone or standing in front of a crowd. But every single day, you influence people. You influence your child, your partner, your friends, your audience, your team, your church group, your classmates, your customers, your younger ones.
Put very simply, influence is when your words, your actions, or your presence shape what someone else does, thinks, or believes. Not necessarily how many followers you have.
All of us are influencers in some way, so the question is not ‘Am I influential?, but
‘What kind of influence am I having?’
And even more deeply: Am I leading people from a place of truth and integrity, or am I manipulating them to get my way—even if I don’t realise it?
Most people do not go around consciously planning to manipulate others. Sometimes, without even naming it, we manipulate. Other people times, we find ways to excuse it because it gets us what we want.
There are many ways I could have written this letter but I figured that using very practical and relatable examples will drive the point home.
Let me show you what I mean.
At work:
Manipulation: ‘If you really care about the team, you will stay late’.
Integrity: ‘We are behind on X project. I need help for two hours this evening. I understand if you cannot; please tell me what is possible for you’.
In Friendship:
Manipulation: Flooding someone with praise only when you need a favour.
Integrity: Appreciating them often, and when you need help, asking plainly without strings.
Online influence:
Manipulation: Fake scarcity, fear hooks, hiding risks.
Integrity: Clear offer, real limits, honest trade-offs, and an easy opt-out.
Parenting:
Manipulation says: ‘Do this or you have made me sad’. Or ‘I will stop loving you’. What the heck is that?
Integrity says: ‘Here is why this matters. Here are your options. I will guide you, but you will choose’. You lay out consequences and let them choose(especially when they are old enough to make their choices)
Some micro-scripts you can use:
‘Here is what I want and why. You are free to say no’.
‘I have a stake in this decision. My interest is this and this, so you can weigh it fairly’.
‘This has upsides and downsides. If the downsides are heavy for you, I respect your choice’.
‘If you later feel pressured by me, please tell me. I want to do this right’.
Some red flags that you may be slipping into manipulation
You create fake urgency or hide key details.
You use guilt lines like ‘After all I have done for you…’
You use praise as currency. The ‘yes’ matters more to you than their wellbeing.
You struggle to accept ‘no’ without sulking, punishing, or withdrawing.
Do you see yourself in any of these? Of course, the list is inexhaustible.
Some green flags that you are influencing with integrity
People feel safe to disagree with you.
Trust grows even when they say ‘no’.
Your words match your actions over time.
You can name your needs without twisting arms.
Do you see yourself in any of these as well?
A note on Machiavellianism
In psychology, Machiavellianism is a style marked by cold strategy, cynicism, and ‘ends justify the means’. It is also a personality trait.
You may not be a ‘Machiavellian person’, but any of us can have micro-Machiavellian moments when stress, ambition, or ego tempts us to cut corners. Catch those moments early and Choose a cleaner path.
When you get it wrong ( just because you are human)
You can get it wrong sometimes, but these few steps will help you recalibrate.
Admit it plainly: ‘I crossed a line there’. You will not die, mm?
Name the impact and apologise without excuses.
Restore choice to the person involved. For example, ‘Here is the full picture. Decide again, no pressure’.
Repair the process, not just the relationship: change the system that let it happen.
Finally, a quick integrity test to assess yourself before you speak or act.
Assess your Intention: Am I trying to help the person or only myself?
Assess your Method: Am I using clarity and respect, or fear, shame, debt, or charm as a tool?
Asses your Honesty: Have I shared benefits and costs? What am I not saying?
Assess their Choice: Can they say ‘no’ without punishment or silent treatment?
Assess the Outcome: Will they leave feeling freer and stronger, not smaller and bound?
So yes, you may not have a mic and a massive crowd. But someone is watching you, listening to you, looking up to you, following you, even if it is silently.
The question is: what are you doing with the influence you already have?
Because in the end, the goal is not just getting people to say yes, but what kind of yes they are giving, and what kind of person they become because of you.
Don’t be clever with people’s minds, bend their will with charm or pressure and call it leadership.
If your influence leaves people confused, cornered, or bound, It is manipulation.
And no matter how noble the goal, the path still matters.
Influence with integrity is slower, but it lasts. It honours people’s dignity and allows you sleep peacefully at night, knowing you did not have to trick or trap anyone to get your way.
If not for anything, is that peace not worth guarding jealously?
Yours is not to control, but to lead with heart, with conscience, with truth.
No matter what, choose influence with integrity.
Always.
Chinaza Favour🌱
Our actions consciously or unconsciously influence the behaviour of someone who is watching us from near or afar.
Building influence with integrity is crucial to building something that truly lasts.
Thank you very much for the profound messages you shared in today's newsletter.
"No matter how noble the goal, the path still matters!"
That part stuck fast to my mind!
The examples of Mandela and Hitler were explicit and this message sank deep.
I won't take for granted even the smallest of conversations because that's where my influence starts.
My actions! Everything else will follow the path of integrity by God's grace.
Thank you and God bless you for this ma'am.