Beyond the Ruins

Embarrass the heck out of the story they tell about you.

I know this is the first letter in September, and I should be opening the floor with our theme for the month. But before I go there, I felt pressed to send this instead. Almost like someone needs to hear it urgently.

So, allow me this interruption. Next week, we’ll begin the series proper.❤️

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Somebody I used to know once told me about one of his exes.

He went on and on about how she was problematic in all the ways a person could be. He painted her with every unpleasant colour in his vocabulary. You know, all the words that make one person look like a villain and the other like the victim-turned-saint.

Of course, in his story, he was spotless.

You know, just a man who somehow is a ‘victim of female m@d-ness’.

But then, as he was rounding off, he added something that stopped me in my tracks. He said, almost with triumph in his voice, ‘And she’s not even married yet, even now’.

I remember the way my body reacted.

I remember the spite in his voice. The pride on his face. He was happy that she hadn’t married. That her life would stall. That nothing good would come out of her after him.

That one detail seemed, to him, to justify every bad thing he had said about her.It was almost as if he had been watching, waiting, hoping that life would prove him right.

That moment has stayed with me since.

And it is not because I cared about his ex or her choices or her marital status, but because I realised how many people carry that same attitude towards you.

This was a relationship context, yes. But it extends beyond relationships.

There are people who walked away, maybe in friendship, in business, in family, in faith. People who saw you in your lowest moment and silently bookmarked that version of you.

They have frozen you in time, and to validate their own ego, they hope that you have remained frozen too.

That you have not grown. That you have not healed. That your life did not bloom into something spectacular.

That you are still trying to find your footing. That you are still stuck, still broken, still bleeding from what happened years ago.

They want to return years later and still find you in that exact same spot.

So, let me say this to you as gently but firmly as I can:

For the life of you, for the sake of your destiny, your pride, your God-given potential, do not remain where they left you.

Because to stay stuck emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or otherwise, is to hand over the pen to people who already think they know how your story ends.

They left you in a place. Don't give them the satisfaction of coming back and meeting you there.

So what can you do?

Heal. Grow. Evolve. Change your mindset. Start therapy. Get that degree. Build your business.

Fix your posture. Go on that journey. Rebuild your self-worth. Find God for yourself. Learn new skills. Travel. Laugh deeper. Speak clearer.

Let your no become stronger. Let your peace become thicker.

Let your becoming shock people. Let it shock even YOU.

And no, this has very little to do with proving anything to anybody, at least not long-term. Revenge can only fuel you for so long, so you know it is not sustainable.

Eventually, you must do it for you…because you deserve more than the dust you were left in, and you deserve a life that is beautiful, and whole, and free.

But if you need a temporary motivation while you’re finding your strength, then by all means,

Do it so that when they circle back, they do not find you where they left you.

Hear me loudly:

YOU ARE NOT A MONUMENT OF THE PAST.

Even if your motivation does not feel strong right now, let this be your starting point:

Do not give them the satisfaction of seeing you stuck. Let that pain burn enough to spark movement.

And let me add this while we are here:

The person who mocked his ex for ‘not being married, even at her advanced age’ is also not married. LOL.

But because he is a man, he carries this delusion that he has time, that women are the problem, that he is flawless while every woman he meets is ‘problematic’.

But life does not work like that. You cannot keep telling the same story about others and refuse to see yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that you are a common denominator in all of them.

And you cannot keep mocking those who are walking their own journeys, healing at their own pace, or reaching milestones in their own timing.

It gets even more ironic.

He has another ex. This one is married.

And what does he say?

‘It’s good. Let her husband deal with the madness’.

So, let me get something straight:

If she is not married, it proves she is difficult.

If she is married, her husband is now the unfortunate one.

Do you see it?

Two different outcomes, same conclusion: they are still the problem.

That is when I realised something really sobering: some people will never allow your story to end in victory in their mouths. They will twist whatever outcome you get into fuel for their pride.

If you succeed, it is luck.

If you fail, it is proof.

If you are married, they pity your partner.

If you are not married, they call you wasted.

You cannot win in their narration because their narration was never about truth. It has always been about ego.

This is why you must never remain where you were left.

Like I said earlier, the goal is not to prove them wrong, but because if you stay stagnant, they will always twist the narrative to suit themselves.

They will turn your delay into proof.

They will frame your growth as luck or label it fake.

They will even watch your healing and say you are only pretending.

If something happened to you, whether in relationships, friendships, career, finances, or health, do not remain where life or people dropped you.

Grow. Heal. Evolve.

Grow loudly if you must. Grow quietly if you need. But just do not stay where they left you.

You owe it to your future self. To the man or woman you are still becoming. To the story you are still writing.

Give no one the satisfaction to say ‘I was right him/her all along. Their current reality is proof’. No, live in such a way that their favourite story about you becomes outdated, irrelevant, and ridiculous to repeat.

When they circle back, let your life be so changed that their memory of you feels like a rumour they can no longer defend.

Let the chapters ahead—which you will start writing NOW—embarrass the ones they wrote about you in your absence.

Beyond the ruins of what they left you with, build something so radiant, so alive, that it makes their version of your story look ridiculous. That is how you win.. By becoming.

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ANNNDDDDDD!

To the one who keeps tabs on people who once shared a chapter with you in any way, I would have said this: may life humble you with the truth that no amount of gossip can disguise the fact that you, too, are unfinished work.

But I will say this instead: CLOSE THE DAMN BOOK!

Their story has moved on, and so should yours.

Chinaza Favour🌱

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From next week, we’ll step fully into September’s theme: Power, Responsibility, and Influence. This month, we’re talking about what it truly means to claim your power. Not power to dominate, but power to make choices that shape your life, power to carry responsibility with wisdom, and power to influence the world around you in small but lasting ways.

I believe it will be life-changing. So, anticipate.

But for today, take this as a letter delivered in season, to the very person who needed it. Maybe that person is you.

See you next Sunday.